I’ve spent the day feeling like I’m about to burst into tears. My therapist says all the negative self-talk isn’t true and I need to use that fact to combat the lies, it’s hard to do when they get kicked up as self-revelations and not a singular voice going “You’re a worthless piece of shit.”

I know why. At least in part. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted, and I have to go to couples’ counseling tonight. What I feel today is the inclination to cancel both my personal and couples sessions and just go back to pretending it was all okay. It was easier. It didn’t feel good but it didn’t feel this bad. It wasn’t this constant work and mental strain.

On Tuesday I told my personal therapist that I resented how she explained the infinite adaptability of humans to me because every time I think I’m empty, I know I’ll just keep going anyway. She made it clear that it wasn’t a good thing necessarily, but I wouldn’t break. I’ll adapt, and it’ll hurt, but I’ll survive. The problem I keep coming to, though, is that I don’t want to adapt anymore. I want the pressure to stop, or to snap already.

I feel like a miserable lump of tissue and how long can somebody go on feeling that way?

There are things I want to resolve immediately, just to force everything to a head to that the worst is over. It’s unwise, and me being frustrated with the time it takes and the process does not a good reason to hit the self-destruct button make.

I have to wait this out and take the baby steps, even if it means crying at my work desk twice a day. I guess.